There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
