So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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