I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
