I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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