Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
