Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
