Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
