Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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