Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
