Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
So squirting runs in the family.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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