This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
