I want to have your abortion
My hand turned me down
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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