The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
