I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
