sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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