Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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