I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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