Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
