If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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