I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
