I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
