Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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