dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
