I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
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I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
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Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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