drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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