I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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