I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
