apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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