My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
