Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
