So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
