So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
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