2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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