I think I won the penis lottery.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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