i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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