How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
