I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
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