guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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