On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
