Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
