So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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