After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
