is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
