ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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