my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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