So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
