Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
