you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
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My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
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I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.