I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
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I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
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Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.