I think im going to throw up on grandma
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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