she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
