I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
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I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
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We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
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