I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
At least make sure they are 18
Why
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
