I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
