you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
