it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
