Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
